Common Sense on Vacation (And other things)
by Blackberry Avar
Summary: Forewarned is forearmed. My musings on the tropes of HTTYD fanfiction, slapstick comedy and sometimes metaness, framed in (hopefully) interesting stories for all of you to enjoy. If you think I've gone off the deep end with some of these, you might not be too far from the truth.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:**

**FF dot net won't let me give the first chapter a title, so I had to caption this first chapter like this.**

**Chapter 1. The Modern AU. **

**I got bored. So what? Whoever clicked on this story, I pity you, because now you're going to be subjected to my sense of humor, one that will soon become legendary, and depending on who you ask, infamous. No, this is not a one-shot. Yes, you should be concerned.**

* * *

Sometimes things happen that are simply inexplicable, yet still life goes on. So when six people were born with exactly the same names as six other people who had existed a thousand years ago, looking exactly like those six people, nobody batted an eye.

The world went on as usual for a few years, nine, actually, before the oddest thing happened. So when all six families moved to a town conveniently named after a british swear word, no one so much as blinked – well, people did blink, but they're always doing that.

It was a large town, but somehow these six all ended up in the same elementary school. Did a teacher, any teacher, object to this blatant violation of reality and every corresponding law of statistics? Absolutely not. In fact they all congratulated a certain Hiccup on having the best geometry scores since.. well, ever. Having such a talented student would reflect well on their resumes, of course. Not that they realized that anything was wrong with the fabric of the world. Nor did they question his.. odd nickname, given to him by a convenient foil named Snotlout.

But then, it seemed that common sense was on an indefinite vacation and wouldn't be getting back anytime soon.

Time passed, and soon it became clear that these six were somehow developing the exact same personalities as their counterparts a millenia ago – not that there was anyone who knew that particular fact. After all, who cared as long as Astrid was scoring the best times on the track since the founding of the school and looked to be on a prestigious career to country stardom? Goodness, maybe she would make it to state – along with her trusty instructors, of course – her prowess would look good on their resumes.

Not so for the Destructo Twins of Comic Books and Destruction – aka Ruffnut and Tuffnut, who'd been practicing on their parents since.. well – could anyone remember a time when they hadn't pulled pranks? It was like they were destined to make mischief and mayhem. Not to mention that they thought Thor was boring for some reason – they'd already pledged themselves to Loki, something that should've raised some eyebrows.

But then, common sense was on an indefinite vacation, and no one so much as did a double-take when they somehow 'accidentally' set their pool on fire, despite the fact that that should've been completely impossible – it was raining at the time.

The years went by, as they always do, and soon the gang got to go to junior high school, where they were met by some new people who seemed oddly familiar – had they met before? Probably not. But all this was forgotten in the rush to get to orientation, and sanity was preserved.. barely. The twins thought they knew something, but they weren't talking to anyone.

Things were going as they always had, except now Snotlout had taken to calling Astrid 'babe' and Astrid had taken to elbowing Snotlout every time he even brought it up, and in the background Hiccup entertained a secret crush, as he had for quite a while – why would he not?

It was around this time that he adopted a black cat he named Toothless – why he'd done that he had no idea, but then it seemed like a good idea at the time, like most things people tended to regret.

-  
"Do you ever get the idea that we're important in the grand scheme of things?" asked Ruffnut one day.

"Nah," said her brother, and that was that.

It wasn't until they were eighteen that some more interesting things began to happen. It should come as no surprise to anyone that it was Snotlout who did the dumb deed, and Hiccup who had to fix things after the twins came through – to this day no one knows exactly what went on at that party and no one wants to know.

It went something like this.

Snotlout's team had just won their last high school championship and was on the fast track to getting on a college roster, so they decided they'd host a party at Snotlout's house, which everyone was obliged to come to, that was just the way it worked. Then somebody brought in the booze – most suspect the twins though there was a good chance that Eret was the one who smuggled it in – and it was strong stuff, not just weak beer but real, high proof wine and whiskey.

Then the twins snuck it into the drinks, mostly the five gallon container of lemonade, but rumor has it that they also dosed the coffee and the soda supply.

Of course, every adult who could've possibly prevented the disaster was either out of town or caught up in a meeting thanks to the fact that the laws of chance had been brutally massacred.

Spitelout ran an accounting firm and was visiting a client on business, his wife coming along for the ride. Fishleg's parents were inspecting a new trawler together. Astrid's mother was at the garden club and wouldn't be back until ten o'clock that night; her father was doing overtime. The twins, were.. well, the twins, and their mom was glad just to get rid of them for a while.

And Stoick? Well, the mayor was meeting with the Berk Board of Education in order to do something about alcoholic underage drinking parties.

So now there was no one to tell them that they were getting roaring, horrifically drunk except for Hiccup, who'd distrusted the drinks on sight, and no one would listen to him save for the twins, who somehow became more sane while intoxicated, because that was just the way they worked.

And they served Loki; good luck trying to convince them _not _to cause chaos and destruction everywhere they went. It was a hopeless cause.

By now most - most of the more sane people were starting to realize that something was wrong. Heather left. So did Cami. But Eret and Dogsbreath stayed, and then everything started to go down the toilet.

Needless to say, this party wouldn't look good on anyone's resume, but that was the least of Hiccup's concerns right now.

Astrid couldn't quite put her finger on it, of course, since it had gone bicycling. More cautious than the others and more aware of her personal health, she'd elected to drink only water and coffee; the coffee had a funny taste, but she attributed that to the old coffee machine, obviously on its way out.

That 'funny taste' was vodka.

So when Snotlout and co. began to hit on her, she wasn't as worried as she should've been.

When they led her into the back room, however, that was when she knew. But it turned out that she wasn't as good of a boxer when she was drunk, and her swings were all misses. They pinned her arms and moved in.

Then came Hiccup, punching Dogsbreath in the noggin and bashing him against the dresser. Snotlout let go of Astrid and jumped at Hiccup, and that was when Astrid ran for the nearest exit, which happened to be the backyard facing window, and jumped out.

Hiccup showed up to school that Monday with a crooked nose, but somehow things ended happily ever after, because that was just the way things work these days.

* * *

Somewhere evil, dark and foreboding, a description that describes Tuff's room perfectly.

"We DID IT!"

They had changed the course of history. With Hiccup distracted by the debacle at Snotlout's house, Ruffnut had had plenty of time to steal Hiccup's cat. Now their experiments had resulted in the ultimate breakthrough.

It turns out that if you have enough quadcopters you can lift pretty much anything you want, including Hiccup's pet cat.

Toothless levitated off of the table, the pink propellers harnessed to his back straining to keep the fat feline afloat – it was Ruff's idea.

"Quick, fetch the Magic Yarn Ball!" exclaimed Tuffnut.

"At once!"

Ruffnut returned with a ball of yarn and placed it on the floor reverently.

"FORWARD!"

Toothless floated toward the string orb and descended towards it as Tuff worked the controls, swooping in at an incredible speed as he made his first pass, grabbing the ball of yarn and holding it as Tuff pulled up on the stick, sending the cat narrowly over a row of figurines, knocking them over as Toothless whizzed by.

"Finally! We have flying cats!" exclaimed Ruffnut.

"The mechanism may need some tweaking, but the prototype is good to go. The world will be taken by STORM!"

"No one ever sees them coming until they're too late."

"And think of the money we could make off of the memes – we have to apply for a patent!"

"The patent office isn't ready for this."

"No one is ready for this sister. MUA HA HA HA HA HA!"

* * *

**AN:**

**This is utterly ridiculous. ****But then again, no one ever sees the Inquisition coming. Not even the Spanish. **


	2. The Modern AU - Part II

**AN:**

**Last chapter I made a joke about the inquisition – because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. ****Well **_**actually **_**Jingles! - the Spanish Inquisition always gave a thirty day notice.**

**I admit partial defeat here. ****Partial.**

**Chapter 2 – The Modern AU Part II.**

* * *

"No one is ready for this sister. MUA HA HA HA HA HA!"

They cackled in adoration of what they had just created as Toothless batted at the Magic Yarn Ball with cool aplomb.

"Do you think we should return the cat?" asked Ruffnut.

Tuffnut stopped cackling and looked confused.

"Do you think we should return the cat?"

"Naw. Hiccup ought to be happy about it. It's not every day we make a pet a national celebrity, is it Toothless? - OW!"

Tuffnut had tried to pet Toothless while he was saying this and Toothless wasn't having any of it.

"Maybe we should go ask Hiccup about it. We could split the profits."

"Split my profits! Split my _profits! _I would never imagine such an abominable thing – OW! Could you stop doing that!?"

Ruffnut pinched her brother sharply.

"I don't want _our_ profits to be spoiled because of a technicality. C'mon old fool."

"Ooh! An insult! I've been maligned! I'll never speak to you again!"

"And I thought you were supposed to be the mature one."

"Well I _am_, it's just that you're really infuriating sometimes. Me first!"

Tuffnut opened the window and jumped out, followed closely by his sister. They hit the ground with a thump, made a quick bow in the direction of the house, and ran off.

"Wait, shouldn't we have taken the car?"

Meanwhile…

Hiccup dropped Astrid off at her place and drove home, pulling up in the driveway just as Tuffnut commenced the experiment.

It was not a small abode, built with the best, most modern materials money could buy, but its architecture smacked of the Viking, something which his father had insisted upon when he'd had it built and Hiccup thought looked rather intimidating, especially when it came to the fake dragon head that hung over the porch.

He unlocked the door and went in.

"Tooothless! I'm home!"

There was no welcoming meow, no black streak of fur tackling him before he could even take off his shoes.

"That's funny," said Hiccup to himself. "Is he taking a nap?"

He took off his vest, threw it in the dirty laundry and then checked the basket on impulse, shook it to make sure there was no lazy cat in there getting his forty winks. It had happened before.

"Tooothless!"

Hiccup scoured the house for his cat from the attic to the basement and there was no trace of him. Was he stuck in the fridge again, making a mess of the cheesecake? Apparently not. Was he getting into shenanigans on his father's business computer again? No, but that had been hilarious. Had he gotten into the kitty biscuits? There was no sign of that, thank goodness. The last time he'd done that he'd grown so fat he could barely walk.

If he wasn't in the house then he must be outside of it, probably in the backyard. Still, if he had been there, why hadn't he come inside when Hiccup had pulled up in the driveway.

That was when Hiccup saw the open window with the screen knocked out and he knew that someone had been around when he was away.

So he called the police.

A little while later.

"So you're trying to tell me that someone broke into your house and only took your cat, nothing else," said the incompetent guy on the other end of the line.

"Yes."

"And you're sure that nothing else was taken? It was just your cat?"

"Yes."

"Sir, I think you've lost your cat."

"No. The window was clearly open and someone definitely tore out the screen."

"I thought you used Linux. Should this be filed under computer vandalism?"

"That's not what I'm trying to tell you!"

There was a noise from the policeman's end, a yell and what sounded like a fistfight before a different man got on the phone.

"Sorry 'bout that. We're not allowed to fire that guy. What is your problem?"

Once again common sense had taken a vacation.

"I think someone's kidnapped my cat."

"What did he look like?" asked the man. "Any defining traits?"

"Well, he's black and has green eyes, he's pretty fat and he doesn't like walking so much that I sometimes classify him as a reptile. That's about it."

"The best thing you can do is put up some posters. If you think he's been petnapped we'll see what we can do, although there's not much unless you can come up with some more evidence. Did your house have a porch camera, by any chance?"

Someone rung the doorbell, although it sounded more like whoever it was had decided to just mash the button repeatedly.

"Hang on," said Hiccup. "This might take a minute."

He opened the door to find the twins.

"Uhhhhh, hi? What are you two doing here?"

"I told you he was home!" shouted Ruffnut.

Tuffnut rolled his eyes.

"Look, we've got a proposal for you. Your cat is about to become the most influential feline in world history."

At least he was candid.

"Does this mean that you have Toothless?"

"No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no -"

"Yes."

"GIVE HIM BACK!"

"Sure. Uh, where is he?"

Hiccup tapped his foot, obviously impatient.

"I thought you brought him along," said Ruffnut.

"Well _I _thought you brought him! It's not my fault you forgot Toothless!"

"But if you hadn't put up such a fuss about your dumb profits maybe we would've remembered to get him!"

"My fault! My fault! Why you conniving liar, I'll -"

Hiccup broke into the conversation.

"Wait, profits?"

"Uhhhh -" Tuffnut scratched the back of his head. "We were planning to make Toothless into a flying cat and take over the internet with memes. We're going to the patent office with this one."

"Without my permission?" Hiccup's voice was absolutely scathing.

"Yes."

"You do realize that I would've let you do this if you'd just asked me, right?"

"Yeah – wait, what? Since when?"

"Since now. Imagine it! The Haddock and Thorston Meme Company in all of its righteous glory. We could sell memes to the masses! It's a genius plan!"

It was at this moment that the twins realized that Common Sense's vacation had been extended permanently.

"That's perfect! You've just got the names the wrong way 'round. It should be The Thorston and Haddock Meme Company, of course. There _are _two Thorston's and only one Haddock, right bro?"

"What she said."

It was at this moment that a secret agent jumped out of a nearby bush and put handcuffs on the twins.

"Hah! I've got you now! You're under arrest."

"Hey hey hey! What are we being arrested for?" asked Tuffnut.

"You were plotting to make flying cat memes. This cannot stand."

"Why? It's just a normal meme."

"No. It's the _perfect _meme. Do you know what would happen if there was ever a perfect meme?"

"Wouldn't that be paradise?"

"It would be dystopia. You see, humans already spend a ridiculous amount of time watching memes, funny cat compilations, political jokes – you know the drill. If there was perfect meme society would shut down! Everyone would be glued to their screens forever! There would be no new children, no production, no government, nothing! The world as you know it would end! Only a few jungle tribes would survive to rebuild after the apocalypse. You have two choices. We can put you in a secure mental facility or we can wipe your memories."

"What about Hiccup?"

The agent shot Hiccup a glance.

"This never happened."

"I feel really creeped out right now – I'm just gonna go," said Hiccup, and he turned to go inside.

Then the agency man shot him with a sedation dart rifle he'd pulled out of nowhere and Hiccup sank to the ground in a heap.

"So, what's it gonna be now?"

"Does the 'secure mental facility' option include imprisonment?"

"Yes."

"Then we'll go with the memory wipe. Say, what's your name?"

"The g-man," he said, and then they blacked out.

The next day at school….

"Hey Hiccup, have you seen the twins?" asked Astrid.

Hiccup thought for a moment.

"No, no I haven't. Maybe they're out of town or something."

"Okay."

"C'mon. We can't be late for class!"

And so the order of the world was restored, at least in that universe…. In others – well, not so much.

* * *

**AN:**

**No, the g-man being in lowercase was not a typo. Originally I had it as the G-Man, but then I remembered at the last moment that the G-Man doesn't do his own dirty work. In comes G-Man in training - which is why he's not being sufficiently cryptic. I hope that cleared it up for you guys. **

**So that's what I was talking about when I mentioned something unexpected last chapter. And as you can probably tell from the ending, there's going to be more. A lot more – as in making fun of most every trope in the fandom as soon as I can think of them more. I can't say there's going to be regular updates – my inspiration comes and goes, as most readers who are followers of mine will know, but I work hard to deliver the funnies when I can.**

**Next up – something utterly ridiculous that I haven't thought of yet but will soon. **


	3. Conversations in Meta

**Chapter Three, Conversations in Meta.**

* * *

**AN:**

**Something I just came up with to pass the time and ease the strain of working on serious stuff like Stranded, Trust is Earned and Greenhorn. It is also inspired by my good friend Literally, who brought up the topic and got it stuck in my head.**

**Like any good plot bunny, I can't unstick it, and so this story is, or was, born, from a temporary excess of free time and my own curiosity.**

* * *

"Do you ever wonder," Hiccup began one afternoon as he was sitting with Astrid and Toothless on the rocks of Raven's Point, legs kicking in the breeze over a drop hundreds of feet down, "if the world is real?"

"Real?" asked Astrid.

"Do you have dreams?"

"Well, of course."

"And there are people in the dreams. But do the people in the dreams ever realize that they are in a dream?"

"Of course not," said Astrid. "They're not real people."

"Then I'm wondering if _we're _real people," said Hiccup, and at Astrid's raised eyebrow, said: "If, and only, if, we happen to be the real deal and not someone's imagination, how do we know we're the real deal?"

"Well… It should be easy, right? The sea beneath our feet is real. The ocean breeze is real. Toothless is real."

"Your punches feel real," said Hiccup. "But they might not be. Another thing. Your feelings feel real to you, but nobody else can see them. At least, I'm assuming that, like me, you have feelings and you act on those feelings and you're not.. how do I put this?"

"An animal?"

"I'm assuming that other people think, mostly like I do. But I don't _know _other people think, even though people tell me they think, that could just be them reacting to my question and saying they think but not really thinking about my question, just saying what comes to them like animals, not people."

"But the same goes for me talking to you," said Astrid. "I think I get it now. I know, or I think, or I feel, that I am real and that I think, but I can't be sure that you are real and think and feel because I'm not you."

"Crazy, right?"

"I.. never thought of that. Somehow I don't want to think about that, because it's just too big of a concept."

"Ahhh. What if the world is only someone's imagination, or dream, and that's the someone imagining you imagining that you don't want to think about that?"

"It can't be. Then you wouldn't want to be thinking about it either, and you're the one who brought it up."

"Good point, but you wouldn't know," said Hiccup, hand poised under his chin in thought.

"But if the world is someone's imagination, how does the person imagining the world know that he's not someone else's imagination, and that that someone else is imagining him imagining us?"

"It's like the tunnel of a Whispering Death. A maze. The farther down you go the more lost you get."

"If the world was someone's imagination," said Astrid, "I'd axe whoever was imagining the world."

"Am I giving you a headache?" asked Hiccup, familiar with Astrid's moods.

"Depends on your definition of headache. Who knows? Maybe my headache is metaphorical."

"I hope not."

"But we can't be sure."

"Well, if we're talking about it we're aware of ourselves. Maybe we aren't someone's imagination after all."

"You know what would be really interesting?"

"What?"

"Imagining people who are talking about whether or not they are someone else's imagination, dreaming about people who wonder if they're in a dream."

"Whoa. So now if we're really being imagined, then at least we can say that we're imagining somebody else."

"Just one more tunnel in a world of tunnels."

"Well, if the world is a bunch of metaphorical tunnels – call them nesting dolls. If each little world is a world nested in another world, in another world's imagination, then we're not at the top. If we aren't imagining people having this conversation right now, and in a world of many imaginary worlds that would definitely be happening, that means there aren't enough worlds below us for that to happen, so we're probably nearer the bottom. Does that make sense?"

"Barely," said Astrid. "You're talking faster than Toothless in a dive."

"But _think! _Anything is possible. Other worlds that exist, other places, things we've never heard or dreamed of!"

"Or," mused Astrid, "We could be real people talking about silly stuff like this and never know it."

"Yeah," said Hiccup, and there was a pause. "Well, there's nothing to clear up our minds like a flight on dragon-back. That's what I came up here for anyway – look, Toothless is getting antsy."

"Please don't tell me you're going to leap off his back on purpose again like a mad lad."

"Hey! It's fun."

"Your enthusiasm is definitely real."

"It wouldn't be good enthusiasm if it wasn't. You coming?"

"Just to make sure you don't get into trouble and kill yourself," said Astrid, mock-grumbling, but there was a sparkle in her eyes that had nothing to do with the bright sunlight.

"Relax, I'll be fine. It's a good day. What's the worst that could happen?"

Oh Hiccup.

* * *

Not more than ten minutes later...

"NOT FUN! NOT FUN AT ALL!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine!"

"Fine! You almost _died!_"

"Almost, but I didn't," said Hiccup, pulling himself into the harness, a happy grin on his face. "Someday I'll probably regret this -"

"When you've broken all the bones in your back," muttered Astrid under her breath.

"But right now it's awesome. Hey Toothless, would you mind if I give it another go?"

"Never do that again! Never do that again!"

"Right now I'm thinking about a flight suit that'll let me glide while I fall."

"Never again!"

"Does your fear feel real?" asked Hiccup, shouting over the wind. "Ow!"

For Astrid had slapped him.

* * *

**I hope you liked the story.**

**I also hope you guys don't mind leaving a review.**

**Cheers! - From B. Avar, and until next time. **


	4. Awareness

**Awareness:**

**Written** **December 26****th****, 2019 – ****December 27****th****.**

**Published on New Year's Eve, 2019.**

* * *

Soft, cool mist, calm, ever-shifting, touching the surface of the burbling water which gently laps at a shore as yet unseen, drawing closer as the point of view glides nearer. Into sight draws a flat shape, rising, yet never falling as do the waves, which wash up onto the it and retreat with the sifting rasp of sand. It is a beach, and the view turns to run along the edge of it, revealing two trails of footprints halfway between the light-colored dry side and the silt wetted by the tides.

Then, a light: bobbing as if the lantern were buffeted by the wind, yet the breeze is only a whisper, and the soft thump of footsteps grows with nothing to absorb the sound. Out of the grey the figures melt, men, one stouter one taller, wearing pointed helmets that bear no veracity to history, yet in this place they deal with a different sort of history, more dangerous and more arcane and more heroic.

The tall one raises his lantern and pans it around. Out of nowhere a bass guitar hums its solemn notes, yet these men do not, cannot hear it.

"See something?" asks the other guy.

"I've got a feeling, you lout, same one as when we're being watched, and my feelings never tell me wrong. There's someone out there eyeing us, I know it."

"If there is I haven't heard it," said the lout, "or seen it or any sign of it."

"We could have our dragons clear away the mist but somebody, somebody decided it was a good idea to explore this creepy-looking place on foot and leave the giant flying protective reptiles behind. Including my sister by the way. That idea was the only one more than half-baked."

"Hey! I don't need to be protected."

"Thank you very much Snotlout, that was really the observation I needed right now," said the tall man, rattling the chains of his lamp. He raised it in the direction of the view, peered through the mist and saw nothing. Behind him Snotlout was backing up in circles till he ended up back to back with the tall man. "I, Tuffnut will discover whatever this is and take it out. Or tame it, or tame it."

And he crackled his neck as if readying for battle, shifted his feet and let a grin grow on his lips.

"This isn't a danger feeling," said Snotlout, yet nevertheless his breathing was still tinged with fear. "This is just the tingly feeling that feels like I'm being watched and often comes before danger."

"I think that's a danger feeling," said Tuffnut. The view moves to his side and his eyes follow it, and he points with his free hand right at where it is, or close to it, the ray of shadow cast by his arm tangible in the gloom, yet ethereal; never to be touched.

"Dragon? Dragon hunter?" asked Snotlout, no echo to his words in a fog where there was no sun, where the light only diffused through the layers of haze in a faint imitation of its natural form.

"I've had this tingle before," said Tuff. "It's as if every time we get together on the Edge and Hiccup gives us news or whenever one of us gets into a fight or whenever something important happens to any of us, really, all of the gang – every time that happens I feel it, as if there's someone out there, watching our every move, invisible, waiting for their moment to strike."

"You could've omitted the part about them waiting to strike," said Snotlout. "Not that I would be worried, since I could handle whoever they are solo, but you could've said that in a place with, you know, a lighter atmosphere."

"Important stuff happens when I get this feeling," said Tuffnut, "stuff like me musing about the nature of feelings and important stuff."

He held out his hands and posed and then raised his eyebrow, for his hands were empty, and behind him Snotlout held the lantern by its chain. "I think we've done enough exploring for today," said the lout, and he walked back along the trail of footprints he had made coming here, Tuffnut having little choice but to follow along.

The view disappears and reappears with naught but the sound of burbling water, teleporting to another point in space and time, yet a nearby point in both of them; the fog has lifted – mostly – and the sun shines its warm glow down on the beach and the cliffs that surround it, illuminating the green forest that grows precariously on the rocks.

There is a camp there on the beach; a red dragon fluffs its wings by the circle of soot and charcoal that is a campfire, a two-headed green one snaps at a fly with one of its heads. Snotlout is leaning up against the red one, the Nightmare, and Tuffnut is nearby speaking with his sister; whether they're arguing or discussing or plotting a prank, it's impossible to tell. Both Snotlout and Tuffnut stand straight up, rigid when the view appears. Both peer over their shoulders at each other.

A rustling noise from behind becomes a rustling noise in front. Toothless streaks into the scene, leathery wings half-folded as he dives down to the island at a fast clip, a brown-haired boy – for he is a boy yet – pressed nearly flat on Toothless's back, his rider's vest fluttering with the wind which is not a real wind but created by the speed of a Night Fury, and behind the two a blue dragon races into sight, Astrid upon her back.

The dragons flare their wings and splash into the shallows, spraying clear, teal water into the air that daubs the rider's shirts with the blood of the sea. Hiccup dismounts and comes ashore, shaking the droplets away from his hair. The view pans nearer to hear his words.

"At least that washes out," he says, and then drags one step, as if feeling something. He peers at the cliffs and shakes his head.

"Did you find anything?" asks Ruffnut, standing with the others and a little forward as Hiccup walks up the beach with light in his eyes.

"Nothing much, just something that makes me wish we hadn't left Fishlegs back at Berk. A clue," he says, "a clue to another lense. It's on this island."

"Alright!" says Tuffnut, pumping his fist in the air. "Right place, right time, nothing in the way of us getting another thingamabob and using it to find more cool dragons. Is it just me or is this going to be an easy job for once?"

Everyone else gave him a look.

"I should've remembered there was no such thing," he says, sticks his hands in his pockets and slouches.

"Do any of you guys feel like we're being watched?" asks Hiccup. "I know it's paranoid but I feel like I'm being watched."

Tuffnut counter-surveils the situation from beneath his dreadlocks.

"Same," says Ruffnut, and then Astrid, and then Snotlout.

"Tuffnut?"

"It's like that feeling I had this morning in the fog, like someone's spying on me, waiting for their chance, as if I'm being observed by a hundred eyes all hungry for my flesh," he said, and tried for a deep, evil snigger, yet his voice wasn't bass enough for the job and ended up cracking on the last note, and this time there was an echo from the chiseled rocks, following closely on the heels of his cackle even to the cough at the very end.

"Am I supposed to take this seriously?" asks Hiccup.

"No," says Astrid. "Maybe."

"Don't trust anything he says," says Ruffnut. "He's my kind of crazy."

Snotlout clasps his hands together behind his back, breathes and speaks. "I was there with him and I felt someone watching us from offshore while we explored the beach. Whoever it was wouldn't come out and fight, so I must've scared them off."

He twirls his trusty mace in his hands to illustrate his point, letting the business end of the weapon slice within a hair's breadth of his chin, seemingly unaware of the danger of clubbing himself. But he is, and presently he puts the thing back on his belt, the better to avoid breaking his collarbone.

"I feel it now," said Astrid. "Not on the cliffs, to my right."

And she turns and looks through the view and out beyond it, frowning when she sees sand and open sea. Snotlout looks in that direction also, as do the twins, but Hiccup twists and gazes behind him, for he must feel it from that direction.

"I think it's close," he says, and gestures towards the waterfront with his head, towards the short breakers which fwoosh as they roll onto the bank and fall back in tresses. "Hey Tuff, go over there and tell me where you feel it from."

And Tuffnut does, and points towards the cliff.

"It would seem we have ourselves a dilemma here," says Hiccup at last, when everyone is standing in a circle around a particularly unremarkable patch of yellow sand. "Whoever is spying on us seems to be invisible."

"A Changewing?" asks Astrid.

"No," says Hiccup, hands at his sides with his elbows bent outwards, "too big. A new dragon?"

"One invisible and untouchable with my luck," says Tuffnut. "Imagine it, so unreal as to hardly even exist and lurking in the shadows even though it doesn't need to and following around random strangers with a gaze so powerful it breaks through the invisibility and makes itself felt on the back of our necks and ooh – need… air."

He falls to one knee and hyperventilates.

"Only I can defeat it. But not right now. Give me a second."

"Maybe it's Ryker and Vigo spying on us," said Ruffnut.

Hiccup reaches forward into the air gap, sees and feels nothing save a funny wash over his hand. "I think," he says, "it might be something else."

* * *

**Hey again, it's Black here. I figured I'd return to this fic because I had an idea, and ideas plus inspiration to write equal plot bunnies, which explains why I was able to write this in such a ****small amount of**** time. ****The thing about sudden inspiration is that it tends to disappear as suddenly as it comes, so I kept this ****short and sweet ****and didn't try to make a monster of a one-shot with this.**

**Tell me what you thought, and don't hesitate to tell me what you'd be interested to see ****in the review box below. I appreciate your reviews – yes, you there reading fanfiction, wherever you may find yourself – ****and I would dearly like to see them.**

**Cheers ****and Happy New Years****! From Blackberry Avar.**

**P.S: If you read all the way to the end, put the word 'bagels' somewhere in your review.**


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